hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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