remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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