so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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