just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
