please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
