She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
