I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
