I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
