Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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