god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
