Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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