shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize