i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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