I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
