Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
