Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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