i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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