do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
