Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
