dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
