I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My ass is underappreciated
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
