I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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