I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
