Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
