How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
