It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
