I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
