did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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