It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
