whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
