I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
