Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
