Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I've blown a few things in my day
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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