RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
