I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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