i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
