I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
