I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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