Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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