I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
