I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
