To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
