Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i can't believe i had my finger in that
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
