You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
