we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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