just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
