I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
