The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
