I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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