What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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