Someone shit on the floor
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
