Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
