rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
