he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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