i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
