Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
