theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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