oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
