I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
